Monday, April 2, 2012
Unfinished Business
I have found that in the past that when a parent comes to visit you slip into old patterns of behavior. What I mean by this is that I still feel the same roles exist - parent/child relationship. How ever that relationship was in the past seems to rear its head again. I use to hate the teasing that went on when I would go home for a visit. I didn't like it as a child and I didn't like it when my family would slip back into it when I visited as an adult. Now with mom living with me those patterns still exist. Not that she teases me but the relationship habits still are present and I am reacting to them as I did as a child. I don't like that in myself. I worked hard to get rid of some of the old patterns in my family relationship that I felt were destructive. Now I find that I haven't finished that business with my mother. How do I begin? These patterns are so ingrained. I hope that I can find the path to forgiveness and boundary setting needed to start a new pattern with my mom and my siblings.
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Some things just are and cannot be fixed. Accepting reality is half the battle. When we realize that some things will never be dealt with, will never be truly whole, we can let go and just roll with the upsetting emotions. I'm not saying it's easy...no, far from it. But its easier than trying to eradicate decades of patterns of behavior and automatic reactions that maybe would not be accessible accept through major behavioral therapy, etc.
ReplyDeleteChildhood coping mechanisms are so deeply engrained that it makes us who we are, almost. So to try to dig those out and leave everything else the same...well, its hard to say who we would become after that kind of overhaul! You might end up skipping town with Jeff and going to live in Scotland! We'd never see you again! Love you sis!
I want you to know that I really appreciate your no-teasing rule in our home. I think we all go through hard enough stuff in life without our homes also being a source of negative feelings. You made a conscious effort for us and it shows. I hope to do the same for my kids, provide a safe, peaceful, loving place to grow up. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm finally looking at blogs after a few months off. It is amazing how much of the old relationships patterns come out when we are put back together with our parents. I remember always feeling very protective of you, with all the responsibilities you had as the oldest child and all the ups and downs. I love and respect you, Jeri. It's hard dealing with an older parent who can't really change who she is at this point with her health problems. Tricia does have some good advice, that sometimes we just have to accept and try to look for the good things we have. I try to accept the ways that they were able to show love to me, instead of wish they could have shown that love in ways that I would have wanted. It's a lot easier to think we've dealt from a distance than having to live it day-to-day in a together situation. Enjoy your break this summer:) I'm so looking forward to seeing you at Nick's wedding.
ReplyDeleteMuch love & aloha
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