Unfinished Business

I have found that in the past that when a parent comes to visit you slip into old patterns of behavior.  What I mean by this is that I still feel the same roles exist - parent/child relationship.  How ever that relationship was in the past seems to rear its head again.  I use to hate the teasing that went on when I would go home for a visit.  I didn't like it as a child and I didn't like it when my family would slip back into it when I visited as an adult.  Now with mom living with me those patterns still exist.  Not that she teases me but the relationship habits still are present and I am reacting to them as I did as a child.  I don't like that in myself.  I worked hard to get rid of some of the old patterns in my family relationship that I felt were destructive.  Now I find that I haven't finished that business with my mother.  How do I begin?  These patterns are so ingrained.  I hope that I can find the path to forgiveness and boundary setting needed to start a new pattern with my mom and my siblings.

The New Normal

I have been reading a book by Gail Sheehy called "Passages In Caregiving."  I am learning a lot and the first thing that struck me was her thought about "the new normal."  Things will never be the same for Mom or, for that matter, the rest of the family.  So we need to create a "new normal."  This has been hard for Mom and me.  She tries to re-create some of life experiences she had when she was "normal."  Examples - she wants to paint again like she did 40 years ago but doesn't feel the "inspiration."  She wants to garden like she did several years ago but she can't find the energy or ability to be on her knees or even sit long enough to tend to the weeds.  I try to explain to her that she will need to let go of things like they use to be and try to experience the things that she can do.  I suggest she start drawing on a sketch pad with pencil or color pencils.  She then says the "colors aren't the same as they use to be."  I then drop the subject because it becomes to frustrating for her and for me.  I am finding it hard to create a "new normal" that is comfortable for her and me.  It is a struggle and that is the "new normal."

I struggle with her memory all the time.  She needs constant reassurance and I have to tell her about events over and over.  She tends to get events mixed up in her mind even when we sit with a calendar and try to explain when things are happening.  She gets mad thinking I am keeping things from her when I have told her several times in days past but she has forgotten.  When this happens I change the subject and hope for a better time to explain.

I don't want this to sound like everything is hard all the time.  It isn't.  We laugh at things she comes up with -like the other day when she said that her bra is getting to big so she stuffed it with Kleenex.  She went on to say that it didn't work because the Kleenex fell out.  She did say I could share that, if you are wondering. 

Life Lessons

Life lessons are not necessarily fun,  In fact they can be down right hard and painful.  I don't really like the process that I go through in learning what I need to learn when a life lesson presents itself to me.  But I am trying to say "what can I learn from this." instead of  "why me."  Life lessons teach us spiritual maturity and I am all for more spiritual maturity. Being a caregiver for Mom has taught me some of these life lessons.  I am not proficient in these skills but step by step I am learning.

Patience is a big one.  Patience when I deal with the same question over and over again.  Patience when I have to give up something I want to do and do something for Mom.  Patience when I come home from a stressful day at work and tend to her immediate need to talk.  Patience when she has something pressing she is doing and needs my help but doesn't ask for it.  Patience when she struggles with the independence she is loosing and she doesn't realize that I am loosing mine too.  Patience when she goes through my drawers to organize them or find something.  Patience when she isn't feeling well because watching someone you love deal with this disease is painful.  Patience when she is trying to remember a word and then waiting for her to find it.  Patience with trying to find time for myself.  Patience with watching her do something that I know I could do it five times faster.. 

In reflection - This is like being the mother of a young child again. I see that I am my mother's mother.  Funny how life has a way of turning things around on you.  Hummmm, is this what Heavenly Father goes through with us?  Just when I thought I was so grown up.

My Hubby

My husband has been an important part of caring for my mom in our home.  He is home most days except when he substitutes for the local high schools.  He gets her medication, takes her to lunch, orders out, or makes lunch, listens patiently, and generally watches over her.  I so appreciate his willingness to provide the care that I can't give when I am at work.

This week I took vacation time so that I could be with my son, daughter-in-law and their children.  My DIL had surgery on her back and I am helping care for her while she recovers.  My hubby has been with Mom during this and hasn't complained one bit.

My husband planted a garden for Mom but we quickly recognized that she is unable to keep it up.  She needs something off the ground but even then she may not be able to care for it daily.  She tires easily and isn't able to remember if she has watered the plants or not.  She loves to look at the pretty flowers we are now growing. The garden givers her something to look at besides grass.

We have some feral cats in the back yard which add to Mom's entertainment.  She sometimes helps my husband  feed them and then watches them play.  She loves animals and misses her feral cats, chickens, and peacock.

He is patient, kind, considerate, gentle, understanding, caring, respectful, and an all around good guy.  I really can't do this with out him.  Thank you, Hubby!

January came and gone.

It has been a long time since I updated this blog.  I am on vacation this week and one of my goals was to catch up on the last month with mom.

We had a good Christmas although mom did have a slight melt-down on Christmas Eve.  I believe it was the result of missing all her children, different surroundings, and lack of her own control to make things happen as she saw them in her mind.  She cried, I believe, because of the unrealistic expectation of having all her children with her as we were little.  She expressed that she "wanted it to be" as it used to be when she was a young mother - all of us around her knees.  She was melancholy and depressed.  I can understand since sometimes I wish that today as well BUT I wouldn't want to give up having my in-law children and grandchildren around my knees (some of the grandchildren are almost as tall as me now),

Mom has realized over the past month that she will not be returning home to live on her own.  December 28th Mom went to the Barrow Neurological Institute to see if there were options to her treatment. She was hoping to receive help with adjusting her medications so that she could be made more comfortable.  The movement in her head and body have become more obvious and bothersome.  She swings her head back and forth and sometimes she is almost jumping instead of walking.  It is a strange phenomenon that occurs.  We talked with Dr. Lieberman who related that she is doing pretty well considering that she has had Parkinson's for eight to ten years. He made little changes in her medication.

The doctor indicated that Mom could no longer live alone.  It is a risk to her safety, he said.  He explained that if she were to fall and break her hip that we, meaning the whole family, would feel bad and regret that we weren't there to prevent it from happening.  He went on to say that she may fall anyway but that if it happened in our own home we would feel better about the fact that we had taken all the precautions and would be able to respond quicker.  Mom said she had come to the same conclusion just a week previous.

The doctor tested Mom's memory and related that she could undergo other memory tests that would be more conclusive.  It was his opinion, that the results of his office test would be the same as a more rigorous test that could take three hours to complete.  His conclusion is that Mom has Parkinson's Disease Dementia (PDD),   For example, she knew the president's name but not what day it was. She also had a hard time making sense of metaphors.   The doctor ordered a couple of tests to be done and asked her to come back in a couple of months.  Our next appointment is February 7th.

When the family was made aware that the doctor recommended that Mom not live alone there was mixed feelings.  Some of the family felt that she should be able to live alone as long as she felt she could.  My thought is that when someone is unable to make decisions related to their personal safety such as - taking their medications at appropriate times and knowing difference between long-acting pill and short-acting pills; being able to make sense of time; and other things related to her judgement abilities - it is time to have her/him live with someone.  At times, the result of her trying to make decisions about daily living only confuses her more and creates anxiety which then escalates her frustration.   She currently can not take her medications without someone physically handing them to her, on most days.  She fell again yesterday and luckily it didn't result in any bruises or fractures.  Her physical limitations of weakness and uncontrolled movement can result in balance problems which is also a reason she can not live alone.

A couple of relatives felt that Mom could live in her home with someone who would rent the room in her basement. They thought that maybe that person would be willing to provide a level of care for Mom that would be in exchange of their rent.  I say absolutely not.  First of all, where are you going to find a saint that would take this on and not resent the situation after a couple of weeks.  Secondly, the person may have motives that could result in manipulation and exploitation.  This and many other thoughts come to my mind that do not make this a possibility.

Mom says that she doesn't want to live alone any more.  She is more comfortable with family being available to talk to and to help her reason out what she is thinking. It takes a lot of patience to help her through these times.  She can get angry and sometimes throws a temper-tantrum.  She usually recognizes that she is out of control and quickly apologizes.

Well, that is it for now.  I hope to update more later in the week.  Much more to share.